Gayle E. Rhoads' Favorite Humorous Stories
Stories with a Black Header are humorous stories
about Gayle & his friends.
Fred Speyer and Gayle sing in a quartet with Carlton Blackburn and Roy Jones. It's Fred's duty to softly blow the pitch pipe at the beginning of a song, so the quartet can start on the correct note. During one church service, the quartet is standing on the platform behind the pastor. The pastor begins to pray. During the prayer, Speyer feels a sneeze coming on, so he raises his hand to cover his mouth. He vigorously sneezes into the pitch pipe, emitting an ear-piercing B-flat squawk in the middle of the pastor's prayer. Poor Speyer never lives it down.
Beeler could have been a character straight out of a western. He attended the same college as Gayle, but dropped out one semester to work on a nearby farm. Beeler also took up chewing tobacco, which was strictly against school regulations. One day, Beeler and a buddy were bailing hay in a field near the college. The college president was driving by and spotted him. So he stopped his car and got out to talk to his former student. "Beeler, are you enjoying the work?" said the president. "Mmm hmm!" said a startled Beeler, who had missed his opportunity to surreptitiously disgorge his plug of tobacco. "Are you putting together a little cash?" "Mmm hmmf," said Beeler, who needed to spit, but couldn't, in front of the president. The problem with chewing tobacco is that it manufactures saliva in copious quantities. "Well, are we going to see you again next semester?" "Mmm, mmm hmf!" said Beeler. Beeler's buddy started snickering. But the college president kept chatting away, while the pressure kept building in Beeler's mouth. Finally the president clapped him on the shoulder and wished him a good day. As the president drove off, Beeler spit prodigiously. His buddy was rolling in the field laughing. "And what's your problem?" growled Beeler. His friend said, "Take a look at your shirt!" Beeler looked down. Two brown stains of tobacco juice had been leaking from the corners of his mouth while the president had been talking to him, making two broad vertical stripes the whole length of his white shirt.
Macaroni & Cheese Pockets
Gayle and BJ are driving their friend Ron Christensen to the train station in their Volkswagen Bug. They're running a little late. In addition, it's Sunday night, the car is running low on gas, and the trio discovers that none of the gas stations are open on a Sunday night in this part of rural Nebraska. They search for gas until they're running on fumes. They finally spot a couple of gas tanks owned by a farmer, who is willing to sell them some. This is of great relief to all of them. Gayle lifts the pump handle, but pauses as he studies the pump. "What's wrong, Gayle?" asks Ron. Gayle replies: "It says here that the price is 78 cents a gallon. Ron can't believe it. Dont quibble about the price, Gayle!" says Ron. "Just buy the gas!"
I can vouch for Gayle's lack of giggle control. I recall being in church with him once in the early '70s. Gayle is a deacon and we are sitting toward the front of the church. A church member, Dick Hanson, is praying a remarkably inclusive prayer. But Hanson makes an odd segue and then takes a badly-timed breath: "Oh Lord, we ask you to watch over our elected in office, Lord, our politicians and representatives, our mentally retarded ... pause ... we ask that you watch over them, too, those who are in mental institutions..." Kneeling next to Gayle, I stifle a giggle. I feel his shoulder quiver. That means he's giggling too. That makes me laugh harder. I struggle for control. He continues to shake. By the end of the prayer, we are both gasping for air, wiping tears from our eyes. We hope any onlookers think we have been deeply moved by the prayer. Well, we were.
During his Loma Linda Academy days, Gayle has an ear infection, and visits an ENT physician. His hearing deteriorates rapidly following the visit. In a follow up appointment, he asks the nurse to investigate. "Probably just old age," the nurse says dismissively. Gayle lives with deafness in one ear for the next month. He revisits the ENT doctor during a scheduled checkup, whereupon a surgical sponge is discovered in Gayle's ear canal that was left there by accident, at the time of the original appointment months earlier. Gayle's hearing returns miraculously when it is removed. (The moral of this story? Anyone?)
Stories with a Blue Header are humorous bits that Gayle heard
or read or received, and recorded in his computer files
Perspective - From Tea Time With God [Computer File Date August 1997]
Miss Mildred, an eighty-five-year-old resident of Nova Scotia, is a constant reminder to former Undersecretary of the Interior John C. Whitaker that he should not take himself too seriously. She has lived her life in one location, where the population swells to nine in the summer and stays steady at two in the winter. Whitaker, who has been fishing in Nova Scotia every year since he was twelve, flew in one day for a few hours of recreation. Miss Mildred welcomed him into her kitchen and said, "Johnny, I hate to admit I don't know, but where is Washington"? When Whitaker realized she wasn't kidding, he explained: "That's where the President of the United States lives -- just as the Prime Minister of Canada lives in Ottawa." When she asked how many people lived there, Whitaker said there were about two million residents. She responded, "Think of that. . . two million people living so far away from everything."
A Little Boy's Description of the Human Body
What are the four benefits to having Alzheimer's Disease?
A Brave Man, Ready to Die [Computer File Date February 1999]
During my years in Texas I came across the delightful story about a certain Mexican bank robber by the name of Jorge Rodriguez, who operated around the Texas border around the turn of the century. He was so successful in his forays that the Texas Rangers put a whole extra posse along the Rio Grande to try and stop him. Sure enough, late one afternoon, one of these special Rangers saw Jorge slipping stealthily across the river, and trailed him at a safe distance to his home village. He watched as Jorge mingled with the people in the square around the town well and then went to his favorite cantina to relax. The ranger slipped in and managed to get the drop on Jorge. With a pistol to his head he said, "I know who you are Jorge Rodriguez, and I have come to get back all the money you have stolen from the banks in Texas. Unless you give it to me, I am going to blow your brains out." There was one fatal difficulty, however. Jorge did not speak English and the Texas Ranger was not versed in Spanish. There they were, two adults at an utter verbal impasse.
The Hereafter [Computer File Date November 1997]
The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking about the hereafter. I told him, "Oh, I do all the time. No matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen or down in the basement, I ask myself, 'What am I here after?'"
So Far Away from Everything [a story Gayle loved, from Tea Time with God p. 38.]
Miss Mildred, an 85-year-old resident of Nova Scotia, is a constant reminder to former Undersecretary of the Interior John C Whitaker that he should not take himself too seriously. She has lived her life in one location, where the population swells to nine in the summer and stays steady at two in the winter.
Love Those Puns [Computer File Date May 1998]
Did you ever wonder: If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, dry cleaners depressed? Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted! Even more, bedmakers will be debunked, baseball players will be debased, landscapers will be defoliated, bulldozer operators will be degraded, organ donors will be delivered, teachers will be detested, the BVD company will be debriefed, and even musical composers will eventually decompose. On a more positive note though, perhaps we can hope politicians will be devoted, and this punster DePuned!
And God Created Dog [Computer File Date March 1998]
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